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I've been wandering in the wilderness for the last 15 months after the unexpected death of my beloved. I've lost my job, home, health, and many friends through the process. The experience hit me harder than I thought possible as I've always been good at rolling with life's perpetual changes in the past..so much so that I took the magickal motto Protea Ultima many years ago. It has only really been in the last few months that I've been able to say that I firmly believe I've gotten through the worst of it and am on my way to figuring out a new life. I used to get a lot from journaling with others invested in self-actualization over at ye ole el-jay so am giving this a try even though most of my old el-jay buddies are not posting anymore. I guess this means I need to meet new people and also poke my friends to come join me in the world of community-focused content.

A little about me.. I read too much greek philosophy as a child and it has forever destroyed my ability to be satisfied by simple explanations of the world. It also instilled in me a deep love for truth and rejection of moral relativism. My grandmother (and maybe William James) has tempered this almost insufferable attachment to ideals with a healthy dose of pragmatism. I value honesty over kindness and kindness over self-gain. I would rather live in a world a little less cozy knowing I had a better data set upon which to base decisions.

I'm a pretty well-rounded geek and participate in a lot of the flourishing sub cultures in the geek diaspora including board games, cosplay, paganism, polyamory, kink, tabletop rpgs, video games, steampunk, burning man, transhumanism, dance, consciousness exploration, magick, etc. My burning man addiction burned long and hard and I'm still in recovery after running a lot of giant projects at TTITD. I like big spiritual art projects/ and and I cannot lie... you other mages can't deny.. I'm also quite fond of ritual magick and self-actualization. I really would like to figure out a way to be immortal, but sadly think I'm too old to get on the immortality train.

So here I am with my all too mortal fragile body spiraling towards death attempting to take it all in, every ounce of the beauty, knowledge, and love that I can while fighting apathy and injustice along the way. At least this is the narrative I tell myself on the good days...

:: cue theme music ::

This last year there I really lost my connection to my core and it is good to finally be in touch with it again. For the longest time the grief experience itself was so overwhelming it quite simply displaced everything else in my life and then the tidal wave receded and took my entire life with it leaving me naked and alone on an abandoned island.. I was so angry and hurt by what had occurred that I didn't even try to escape for a long time and just focused on nursing my wounds. I could have stayed and died on that island, but luckily had a strong community that kept on sending me messages in bottles even when I didn't respond in kind. Being crazy grieving lady (CGL) was an interesting gig, but at some point it started getting repetitious so I had to make the difficult decision to start gathering resources and build a fucking raft. I did that and am now somewhere over the Atlantic looking for land. I'm not sure I still look like or act like the old me as the Island changes people, but since we can never really lose who we are, I'm grateful that I have my old self as companion on the quest of building a new life for my new self. She is a hard worker and quite handy when she isn't being self-indulgent. It feels great to be off the island. :: wink ::

So there you go.. a bit about who I am and what I'm currently doing in my life. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to use this journal. I'll be focusing mostly on personal development/magickal practice related stuff here and placing my political musings on a more public and formal blog (in a project that I'll be launching later this summer). For now, I just know I have lot of unpacking and sorting of my head to do and I've always done better when I can share and engage with people in this sorting process. There is a lot of deep stuff in my heart, but it will be fairly balanced and holistic even if I do have an inner goth princess.

So welcome to the playground...

sad girl is sad

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veleda

June 2017

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